Solace and Redemption
by Scarlet Ibis
Summary: COMPLETE! AU season 6. WARNING! Character death.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I do not own "Buffy the Vampire Slayer", and I own nothing accept for my imagination. Joss Whedon and UPN, I hope you don't mind me borrowing your characters. I'm just a fan and a minor. Besides, I'm broke.  
  
Feedback: Helps me progress as a writer, so please do! :)  
  
Distribution: Anywhere, just let me know.  
  
Summary: Right after Season 6- written before (completely) season 7. AU fic.  
  
"Solace and Redemption"  
  
Magic Box- several days after Tara's funeral  
  
"Thanks for helping, Buffy." Anya said as she stood by the upsides down round table, staring at the destruction of her beloved store and thought about how much of her beloved money it would take to fix it.  
  
"No problem, Ahn. Uh, have you talked to Xander?" she asked uneasily.  
  
"No, I don't think he's ready to talk to me, or me to him." she said looking away. "Buffy, I kinda need to talk to you about the whole me and Spike thing."  
  
Buffy stopped picking up debris, looking at Anya and not really wanting to hear what the "forth right" demon might say.  
  
"It wasn't meant to be a whole vengeance thing."  
  
"I know."  
  
"No, look. we were both very vulnerable and very drunk and-"  
  
"No, I know all that, K? I don't need details on you and Spike. I saw it." Buffy said heatedly.  
  
"You didn't see what happened before that, did you?" Anya said accusingly.  
  
"No, but it doesn't matter. Besides, it's not like I actually was with Spike anyway." she replied solemnly.  
  
"Buffy, it's probably not my place, but I don't care. I don't want to see another relationship destroyed. He came here for a numbing spell. Instead, I found some of Giles' leftover liquor." she paused and looked at Buffy, who was staring intently at a spot on the floor. "Anyway, we started talking and he was just as hurt as I was. I talked to all of you about Xander, but he was the only one who got it. He could relate.... I know you didn't leave him at the alter, but whatever it was, it caused just as much pain." Anya bit her lower lip, hesitating to proceed while Buffy remained to stand idly around, still gazing at the floor. But now, her eyes were glazed.  
  
"I'm almost certain you're well aware of how much he loves you. What confuses me is why you can't or won't return his feelings. He said that you and Xander just can't deal with the fact that he and I should of been dead long ago, but we're the only ones truly alive. I think he's right. Why is it that when it comes to feelings, you guys just shut down? To love and be loved is the most incredible feeling; it's better than money and sex combined." she said with earnest. "Look, I'm not trying to start an argument, but it upsets me that you can pass up someone who'll love you that much. I wish I were that lucky." She said looking at the floor herself.  
  
"Don't judge me, okay Ahn? You, sleep with Spike, yell at Xander for caring, and now you're trying to lecture me?! And it's not like you even know everything that happened with-" she yelled furiously, but stopped in her own reverie of what transpired between her and Spike the last time they saw each other. The memories always left a bitter taste in her mouth, but recalling the wild, desperate look in his eyes also left a few stray feelings of guilt of how things could have been between them.  
  
"Look, I know I messed up. But I am not the only one. All of us screwed up. He, it was just comfort. We just wanted to forget. Something to make the pain go away, even if for a moment." Buffy knew exactly what she meant.  
  
"All I'm saying is that he needs you just as much as you need him. He's not some soulless, evil, undead demon. He does feel. He may not be necessarily "good", but he's not evil. He's proved that more than once. If you can, be with the one you love." she said with half a smile.  
  
"Anya, I can't. He's gone. He left and I don't think he's coming back." she said as she broke down and cried. Anya walked up to her and they held each other, both wanting solace in their scorned hearts.  
  
____________________________________________________________________________  
  
"We can't change the way we were; but we can change the way we are. All I really wanted from this crazy love.... what I wouldn't give to have this crazy love again. I believe in second chances, and I'm holdin' on for sure to your crazy love.....  
  
- Luther Vandross  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __  
  
"You have endured the required trials."  
  
"Bloody right, I have. So give me what I want; make me what I was, so Buffy can get what she deserves."  
  
"Very well. We will return, your soul."  
  
"Aaaaaahhhhhhh!"  
  
******************  
  
Flashback to a convo between Riley and Spike  
  
"You actually think you got a shot with her?"  
  
"No, I don't. Fella's gotta try, though. Gotta do what he can."  
  
"If you touched her, you know I'd kill you for real."  
  
"If I had this chip outta my head, I'da killed you long ago. Ain't love grand? Sometimes I envy you so much it chokes me. Then sometimes I think I got the better deal. To be that close to her and not have her, to be all alone, even when you're holdin' her, feelin' her, feelin' her beneath you... Surrounding you, the scent.... No, you got the better deal."  
  
"I'm the lucky guy. Yea. I'm the guy."  
  
*******************  
  
"What have you done to me?" Spike said still on the floor.  
  
"Ha, I gave your soul so you can give the Slayer what she deserves. You fool. You should have known that you could never be the true dark warrior you once were."  
  
"So your bloody solution is to give me a soul so I can brood? What, walk around carrying more guilt than I had before. You stupid git! I---"  
  
"Silence, you fool! You should be thanking me. The only way for things to ever be amended is for you have humanity, well, more of it."  
  
"Amended? What needs---"  
  
"You'll find out in time. But now, you need to go back to Sunnydale."  
  
"Can, can I ever lose...."  
  
"No, unlike Angelus, your soul is not a curse, but a gift."  
  
"Thanks for the 'gift' and all, but I can't go back. I'm nothing but a monster in her eyes, and she's right."  
  
"No, you were a monster. But you're far from it now. Now go; this is the path that you must take."  
  
"Dear god, what's happenin' to me?"  
  
****************  
  
Several days later in Spike's Crypt  
  
"Clem?"  
  
"Spike! Wow, you're finally back. A little sooner than I expected but.... Hey, what happened to ya, buddy?"  
  
"I, don't wanna talk 'bout it. I just want, I want to forget.... Stupid ponce. Why won't these feelings stop?" He said as he sunk to the floor, voice breaking.  
  
"Spike, you're all black and blue, and burned. What happened?"  
  
"I, I...." He finished his sentence in a trail of sobs.  
  
"Have you even eaten? You look so weak and pale, well, paler than usual. But, not to worry. I'll get ya something." He says as he exits the crypt.  
  
Why a soul? Why do I even exist? I'm still nothing. I'll never be anything, just stuck in the middle and... oh Buffy. What have I done to you, luv? He thought as she clutched his head while a steady stream of tears came down his face.  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __  
  
"I, I have nothing. I, I have no one. They adore you, and love you so... I'm just a no one with nothing to give you, but I, I love you."  
  
-Luther Vandross  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __  
  
Living Room- Summers' home  
  
"So, Giles doin' better?" Dawn asked.  
  
"Oh, he sounded great. He's way better." Buffy said as she went to sit on the coffee table across from sister, who was seated on the couch.  
  
"And uh, Willow?" she asked with uncertainty in her voice.  
  
"She's uh, it-it's hard to tell. Xander says she's sleeping most of the time, and when she's not, she just kinda stares off into space."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Well, you know, it's gonna take time for her to come to terms with-"  
  
Doorbell rings.  
  
"Who's that?" Dawn asked as Buffy got up to answer the door.  
  
"I don't know, maybe Anya." Buffy replied as she opened the door.  
  
"Hey, Buffy. Sorry to bother you."  
  
"Oh, no it's all right. Come in Clem."  
  
"Hey Dawn."  
  
"Hey Clem."  
  
"Look Buffy, I really need to talk to you. I don't know what to do."  
  
"What's wrong?"  
  
"It's Spike. He's been back for a few days now, but something's wrong with him. He hardly talks or eats. He just sits there."  
  
Clem could see the shock, grief and relief strewn across Buffy's face all at once. He saw the concern in Dawn's face as she got closer and gently put a hand on her big sister's shoulder. He wasn't too sure on what she'd say. But that's when he saw it. The most definite and raw reaction, though tiny as it was, it was clear as day. Tears began to cloud the Slayer's eyes for a brief second before she batted them away.  
  
"He decides to come back, huh? How can even show his face after-" Dawn began, but was abruptly cut off by Buffy.  
  
"Just a sec Dawn. Clem, can you stay here with Dawn while I go see what's up?"  
  
"But Buffy-"  
  
"Dawn please. Just let me see what happened, K'?"  
  
Dawn briefly thought of continuing her rant, but then relented at the stolen "resolve" face and nodded her head. So much had happened, but she knew Buffy missed him, in spite of what happened and Xander's ranting. But what really upset her was that Buffy still felt Dawn needed someone to watch her. Like she wouldn't be safe in her own home. But then again, it's Sunnydale.  
  
***************  
  
As Buffy walked at a fast pace towards Spike's crypt, she couldn't of thinking of what seemed like countless nights of lying awake, thinking about him; wishing he's come back. Regretting the horrible things she'd said to him. Let yourself love me he'd pleaded with her. She thought that if she'd only been honest with him in the first place.... things would have been so much different; probably would have been better. They could of still been together. But she was scared, then he was gone. Even though she never told him she loved him, he left her anyway. Just like the rest.  
  
The only comfort she found at his departure was when she'd lie in her bed at night, wrapped in his coat; his scent of liquor and cigarettes; the smell that lingered on that old leather duster of his. But even after all of this, she still wasn't sure she was ready to face him, that is, without totally breaking down, or involuntarily pulling away from him. After everything... feeling hesitant was natural. She approached his chamber door, contemplated turning back, then went in.  
  
***************  
  
"Spike?" She whispered in an almost inaudible tone. Outside of the candles, it was dark. She didn't see him, but she could feel his presence. She stood quiet and listened, then heard his quiet sobs coming from downstairs. She slowly approached the ladder.  
  
***************  
  
In a fetal position, Spike lied on his bed, turning his thoughts of despair to thoughts of Buffy and Niblet... then he smelled it, the scent that was forever engraved into his mind- Buffy. He immediately stopped his sobs when he sensed her coming, that she was there. He remained absolutely still. He then heard the soft movents of her boots hitting the pavement, then slowly descending the ladder.  
  
"Spike?" her voice said, which she inadvertently felt revealed her grief and uneasiness. He was too stunned to respond. He just continued to lie there silently.  
  
She came closer to his bed, a new addition from the explosion.... She stood there, and gazed at him. He laid there facing her, his eyes still closed. She could see the stream of tears that moistened his cheeks. Cautiously, she sat beside him on the edge of the bed. He flinched and closed his eyes tighter at the closeness of her.  
  
She lifted her hand and caressed his cheek with the back of her hand- her eyes swollen with tears that she refused to let flow.  
  
"Spike, are you alright?" she said, her voice shaky. He didn't respond.  
  
"Well, could you at least let me know that you're okay?"  
  
That was when realization dawned on her. She saw the bruises on his face. She had not prepared herself to see him hurt. It reminded her too much of the day when Glory got a piece of him. But that had done it, several tears managed to free themselves of sad, hazel eyes.  
  
"God, are you hurt all over?" Each second of seeing him like that made it ten times harder for her to stay under emotional control. He finally looked up at her.  
  
"You, you shouldn't be here."  
  
"No, wha-what happened to you?" her voice trembling.  
  
He slowly sat up and stared into her eyes; eyes that were glistening heavily from her tears. He wanted to hold her, but was to afraid to touch her. Not after the horrible thing he did, well, nearly did to her the last time he saw her.  
  
"You have to go. Don't let the darkness consume you." he whispered. Buffy looked at him in confusion, but pressed on.  
  
"No, Clem said you hadn't eaten since you've gotten back. Maybe longer from the looks of it." Looking how much more paler he looked than usual. Much like the time when he first had gotten the chip and couldn't feed.  
  
Damn him! He thought. He thought Clem had gone out to play poker. He'd kill Clem for telling her! Or, hurt him a lot.  
  
"Spike, there's, so much has happened since you left. Jonathan and Andrew were in jail, Warren came back to my house and tried to kill me with a gun for foiling his plans." His eyes widened at this with concern for her.  
  
"I'm fine, but one of his stray bullets hit Tara. She's dead." he lowered his eyes for a moment before replying quietly.  
  
"How's Red doin'?" He said, as he fought an inner conflict of holding her hand or not. The voices were still telling him he was disgusting and he didn't want to sully the girl.  
  
"Well, Willow went crazy with the magicks and bestowed upon Warren a horrible, skinless, fiery death. She nearly killed Giles, tried to turn Dawn into a mystical ball of green energy, and tried to kill me, Jonathan and Andrew, who managed to escape to somewhere else. But Xander managed to stop her, with help from Giles." she said in monotone.  
  
"Watcher's back, and the Bit's okay?" he said, cursing himself as he gently caressed her face, staring at her with those sad, blue eyes of his.  
  
"Yeah. It's just, it's been so hard---" Her barrier of "a stiff upper lip" finally broke down completely. She began to uncontrollably cry.  
  
He ignored the voices for a moment and hesitantly embraced her. He wrapped his arms around her and put his chin on her head, petting her back. She stiffned at first, but then held onto him as if holding on for dear life, feeling as if the moment she loosened her grip, he would disappear forever. She couldn't decide whether this all was a dream or some sort of nightmare.  
  
After several moments, she looked into his eyes for what seemed like the first time. He was just as teary eyed as she was, except for the extreme amount of fear lurking in his. She wasn't exactly sure as to why, but decided to not ask him just yet.  
  
"I'm gonna go upstairs and get you something to eat, okay?"  
  
He nodded and thought about why she was being so good to him.  
  
End of Part I 


	2. Chapter 2

Part II  
  
She knew they would eventually have to discuss "that night", but what was there to say? She knew he was hurting a lot, probably more than she was. He mostly just scared her. She wanted to hate him, but she torn. He had been right; she did feel the same way he did, though it took a long time for her to realize it. When she did, she was terrified. It brought up too many questions.  
  
She knew he was genuinely in love with her, and that he'd do anything for her- hands down. But he didn't have a soul. But what was a soul, really? And, if he could love her without one, how come Angelus hated her so much? How come neither was successful in killing each other or even hurting one another until they became involved? Were they truly a match? Two different sides of the same coin? Thinking about all of this made her nauseous.  
  
She didn't blame him one hundred percent for that night. She knew she was evil to him, You're a thing; an evil disgusting thing. You're just convenient. I could never love you. You can't feel anything real. But she did love him, and she trusted him. But for some reason, she felt he could never know that. Xander was wrong. Even w/out the chip, she'd trust him with Dawn.  
  
He might have been "William the Bloody" and "the Scourge of Europe", but that was in the past. He probably hadn't killed an eighth of the people Anya did. Even so, some humans w/souls were more horrific and disgusting then he was. It's not like he wanted mass genocide or something.  
  
As for that night, she saw in eyes that he was scared; scared of losing her forever. She knew what that was like- to get that close to someone and then for them to just take it all away. It's like for your most sacred dream to come true and to just end up being a never-ending nightmare. Maybe he's suffered enough... after all, the most magnanimous act a person can do is to forgive.  
  
She came back down w/the blood and sat down on the bed.  
  
"Sorry I couldn't warm it up, but no microwave."  
  
"It's all right."  
  
"Spike, I want, no I have to talk to you about the other night-"  
  
"Buffy, listen I'm sorry for that. What I did was-"  
  
"No, it's okay."  
  
"No, it's not okay, it'll never be okay. I was wrong. I should of had control, but I, I just lost it. That's never happened to me before. I always have control, and in that moment, I just lost myself..."  
  
"Look, it made me realize some things. Honestly, I do feel the same you do. But I was just so angry with you, you know with Anya. And I tried so hard to hate you for it, all of it. But I couldn't. I know that you didn't mean to hurt me, and if I was honest with myself a long time ago, none of this might not have happened."  
  
"You can't think like that. What's done is done."  
  
"Spike, shut up. I wasn't finish. I know what it's like to for the person that you love more than anything to just shut you out and break your heart. I shouldn't have put you through that pain, being through it more than once myself." She looked at him right in the eyes.  
  
" Spike, bullshit aside, I l-"  
  
"Don't, don't say it."  
  
"Why? I mean it."  
  
"Because if you say it, I don't think I'll be able to let you take it back. I wouldn't ever be able to leave you. I couldn't let you go."  
  
"Well, good 'cause I wouldn't want you too. Been through enough of that for one "Slayer" lifetime. Oh, and I love you." she said hastily before he could interrupt her again.  
  
She'd finally said it, no regrets. She gently grabbed his face and kissed his cool lips.  
  
"Now, eat up if you want your strength back." He was too stunned to move. He just looked at her and then his vision became blurred.  
  
"Spike, don't cry, please. Just, drink this, will you?" He continued to stare at her, and the tears ran over the brim of his eyelids. But he obeyed and gulped the jar of blood down. He put it down on the night stand, and continued to just look at his angel.  
  
"Spike, I love you. I LOVE YOU. I. Want. To be with you. You make me happy, well , most of the time. I need you. Please say something." she said as she grabbed his hand. He didn't. He just grabbed her and kissed her ever so gently.  
  
"God, Buffy. I love you so much. Please don't leave me."  
  
"I won't. Can't."  
  
"I'll love you 'till the day I'm dust luv. I'll always be drownin' in you, Summers."  
  
Then she kissed him, softly and gently, which was so different from their usual hungry, raw, passionate kisses. This was more loving, though it contained just as much feeling.  
  
"Spike, make love to me."  
  
.  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __  
  
"What's it gonna be, 'cause I can't pretend. Don't you wanna be, more than freinds? Hold me tight and don't let go."  
  
En Vogue  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __  
  
meanwhile at Xander's......  
  
"I brought you some juice, Will." Xander said as he handed a glass of cranberry juice to a dreary eyed Willow, sitting up on his bed.  
  
"Thanks, Xander." He gave her a nod and a smile and began to turn away.  
  
"Xander?"  
  
"Yeah Will?"  
  
"Um, are you going out?"  
  
"Well, I don't have to. You want me to be all stay inny and talk?" He asked sincerely.  
  
"Yea, I mean, I'm not really much for talking now, but maybe we can watch a movie? I'd just like someone, no. I'd like to sit with you." She said looking down at the glass.  
  
"Of course, Willow. Nothing better than being here w/ my best bud." He said has he sat down next to her.  
  
"Xander, I just wanted to say that no words could ever express how ashamed I am at myself. sometimes, it's just so hard. I think about Tara... and what I did to Warren..." Xander placed his hand on top of hers and gave it a gentle squeeze.  
  
" What terrifies me most is how I tried to hurt the people that I love. I tried to destroy the only family I have along with the world." Tears came down her rosy cheeks and her voice became weepy. "I don't think I'll ever live it down. How could anyone forgive me? Maybe it'll be best for everyone if I just leave, at least for a little while."  
  
"Willow, no, you belong here with us. We're your friends and we love you and care about you, no matter what. We're going to help you get through this, okay?" He said, looking at her.  
  
"No, maybe it's best that I go." She said, looking away from his brown eyes.  
  
"Not so much, will. The last thing you need is to be alone. I'm not leavin. You're my Willow, and I'll always love you." He explained as he gave her his trademark Xander hug.  
  
*****************  
  
He caressed her face gently and then gently laid her down. He slowly lifted her light blue sweater over her head. She began to unbutton his dark blue shirt.  
  
"Oh, you're hurt." she said as her face filled with worry and concern as she lightly touched the burns and bruises.  
  
"It's all right. Doesn't hurt anymore."  
  
"You sure?"  
  
"Yea, pet."  
  
She then slid the shirt off of his shoulders. He started to kiss her jaw line, then her neck, and then lightly along her collarbone, then down between her breasts on to her flat tanned stomach. She softly moaned as he traveled down her body.  
  
He proceeded to take off her boots and unbuttoned her pants when he decided to stop his ministrations.  
  
"Buffy, are you absolutely sure 'bout this? I mean, all of it?"  
  
"Yes." she replied breathlessly from the anticipation of it all and undid her bra. He bent down and removed her lace panties and was about to taste her depths when she stopped him.  
  
"No, later. I need you inside of me. Now."  
  
He nodded as he looked at the extreme determination on her face. He slowly entered her. she wrapped her legs around his waist to bring him in as much as possible. They both moaned at the feel of it.  
  
"Wait, sit up." He instructed her. She looked at him questioningly but followed his request. They both sat up and he placed her on top of him.  
  
"I want you to move your hips in a clockwise motion, slowly." she nodded and wrapped her legs around him. He began to move in a counter clockwise motion so that they'd be moving together. It seemed to be excruciatingly slow, yet the pain was equivalent to that of pure bliss. To move in such a way and to be able to look directly into each others' faces... she kissed him and moved her tongue at the same rhythmic pace as their bodies were moving and tightened her slayer muscles around his length. Feeling his coolness in her depth of heat was incredible. he wished he could get lost in her forever. For the world to just fall away, except for her.  
  
"Buffy, I love you. I love you. I love you." His declarations of love turned into ramblings and changed into muffled sobs as he tried to cover them up by burring his head into the crack of his neck.  
  
"Oh, Spike. Ah!" she reeled backwards, pulling him down on top; pushing him even further into her. He quickened the pace and felt her shuddering as she reached her climax. He, on the other hand, could barely hold on much longer, so he pushed her over the edge by pushing on her clit w/ his thumb. They came together.  
  
"Make up sex pretty good, Spike. It was wonderful."  
  
"I didn't think of it as just sex you know. Though I must agree. It was incredible."  
  
"Yeah, but as much as I'd like to stay and give it another go, I have to go back home. I should let Dawn know that you're okay and relieve Clem. Plus, we're supposed to go see Giles."  
  
"Yeah, okay. want me to walk with you?"  
  
"Actually, yeah, that'd be nice. Besides, I know Dawn wants to see ya. Besides, you're hurt. You need some type of attention."  
  
"It's not so bad. I've suffered worse."  
  
"I know."  
  
"Do you think, maybe we could just stay here, for a little while?" she regarded him quietly before reaching out and holding him close. She knew what he was thinking- bad habits died hard. She saw no harm in a little reassurance that the second time around would be different.  
  
TBC 


	3. Chapter 3

Part III  
  
Summers' Residence  
  
"Clem."  
  
"Spike. Good to see ya better."  
  
"Oh, Buffy, Giles is on his way over."  
  
"I thought he was still resting?"  
  
"Well, he said since he was doin' better and all, but you know Giles like never takes a break... well, at least not while he's here." Dawn said as she came down the stairs.  
  
Can't say I blame him Buffy thought to herself.  
  
"Hey niblet." Spike's greeting went intentionally unnoticed by the younger Summers.  
  
"He say what time?" Buffy said in a attempt at changing the direction of conversation.  
  
"Around nine thirty."  
  
"Good. I wanted to talk to him anyway. I'll be right back!" she yelled as she dashed up the stairs.  
  
"So Spike. Where ya been?" Dawn asked while self- conscienceless avoiding why he left so abruptly without giving anyone the heads up.  
  
"Long, long boring story Niblet."  
  
"Well, next time you decide to just take off, you better tell someone Spike. Besides, I pretty much got the cliff's notes version from Xander. I wasn't sure if you were coming back. Too much of that goin on around here, ya know? But then I wasn't so sure I wanted you back. But Buffy, she seems okay with... everything. But if it ever happens again, I will hurt you. Vamp with a chip or no." she replied, throwing caution to the wind.  
  
"Never again. I swear."  
  
"Well, okay. I guess I can forgive you. For now." she said giving him a small smile.  
  
"Um, you left this. Thought you might want it back." Buffy said as she descended the stairs carrying his leather coat.  
  
Spike looked at it for a second, then remembered when he left it in the first pace. "Thanks, pet." he said lowering his eyes as he was handed the coat.  
  
"Well guys, I got a poker match to attend. Got a hankerin' for some kittens." Clem said as he moved from the couch to the door.  
  
"Eww." Dawn and Buffy said in unison.  
  
Clem gave a little wave and exited.  
  
"Buffy, you sure you wanna tell Giles bout this, I mean us?"  
  
"I'm sure. Besides, I told him about us before. Now all I gotta say is that it's not over."  
  
*******************  
  
"Giles, how are you." Buffy said gibing him a hug.  
  
"I'm fine, but please don't hug too tightly. Not just yet."  
  
"Oh, sorry."  
  
"Quite all right, Buffy." Giles said with a little smile.  
  
"Hey Giles. You look good."  
  
"Yes well, I feel much better."  
  
"Well, since this being 'greeting time' and all, I think now's the time to show you our special guest."  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Rupert." Spike said stepping in the living room from the kitchen, with his head down.  
  
"Spike? well, uh how are things?" Spike was shocked by his greeting, and figured that no one clued the watcher in on what had transpired between him and Buffy.  
  
"Ok, but uh, I'd like to talk to you alone, if that's okay?"  
  
"Yes, quite all right. To the back porch?" Spike nodded in reply and turned back towards the kitchen.  
  
"Well, we'll be out back if you need us."  
  
"Yeah, okay." Buffy said with a look of perplexity.  
  
********************  
  
Spike abruptly sat down on the back porch and lazily took out a cigarette as Giles slowly sank down to the steps.  
  
"So, what did you want to talk about?" Giles said while looking at him, and Spike just stared out into the yard.  
  
"Is it possible for one to feel fantastic yet horrible all over at the same time?" he said as he exhaled a stream of smoke.  
  
"Well, I'm not exactly sure what you mean, but if you wanted to talk to me about your, uh, relations with Buffy, I already know."  
  
"Rupert, I'm bloody sure she didn't tell you the half of it. But, there is something I want to tell you that I'm not sure on how to tell her."  
  
"Well?"  
  
"Well, whether or not you noticed my absence during Red's ordeal, I was on a little trip, so to speak." Giles just looked at him encouragingly.  
  
"Buffy and I got into a fight, and I left to make a change...." Spike began to laugh maniacally. Giles gave him a worried look.  
  
"I think I'm gonna stop beating around the bush now. I tried to make her admit loving me. when that didn't work, I left with full intentions of getting the chip outta my head. There was this demon who said he could help me, but I had to prove myself worthy first, and I did. Got the scars to prove it. But of instead of removing the chip, oh you'll bloody laugh your ass off at this one, mate. The bastard 'restored' my soul. How do you like that?! Huh, I need a drink bout now."  
  
"Well, uh, do you consider this a good thing?" Giles said while looking for a reaction from him.  
  
"I don't know who or what the hell I am anymore. Haven't for a long time now. Too many areas of gray inside, you know? I think about the things I've done, and it disgusts me. Then I think about how I've been helpin' the lot of you 'cause I honestly wanted to, I feel better. But then I think of how I hurt ---- hurt the person that I love the most, and I want to die."  
  
"Spike, perhaps you're being too hard on yourself."  
  
"No, I- you don't understand." he said as he flicked away the but of the cigarette.  
  
Giles felt a strange sympathy for him. Probably because of the last time he saw him, they were acting like father and son.  
  
"All I need to understand is that you make Buffy happy. That's all that really matters." He said, placing a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "But how's the whole soul thing for you? You're not gonna be all broody like Angel are you?"  
  
"I feel more like that sod William everyday now. Feel like writing bloody poetry. Turnin' into a more of poof than Peaches."  
  
*****************  
  
"So, what do you think they're talking about out there?" Buffy asked the younger Summers as nonchalantly as possible.  
  
"Well, you , duh. Spike's probably asking for approval and what not. Since Giles is the whole father figure type."  
  
"It's not like he's proposing. Probably manly stuff. Maybe Giles can talk to Xander about this whole situation?"  
  
"Buffy, who are you kidding?"  
  
"Yeah, guess you're right."  
  
"Buffy, I know we haven't had much time to talk considering.... but what happened or didn't happen with Spike, it was like an accident, right?"  
  
"Yeah. Spike wasn't trying to purposely hurt me. Even when he wanted to hurt me or kill me whatever, he never could. I'd always kick his ass first." Buffy said with a wry smile. "Besides, I've died like three times already. Really hard to find a guy who's willing to stick around, not that that should be a sole reason to stay with someone cause-"  
  
"Buffy, I get the point. Besides, all I have to do is watch you and learn from all of your glorious mistakes." Dawn said sarcastically.  
  
******************  
  
"So, are you going to tell Buffy about your soul and how you obtained it?" Giles asked while heading towards the back door.  
  
"When the times right, yea."  
  
"But can you lose it? Like Angel?"  
  
"No, unlike Peaches, my soul is a 'gift', not a curse. 'Sides, still got the chip in my head, so no worries." Spike said while opening the door for Giles.  
  
Good to know Giles thought to himself.  
  
******************  
  
an hour later...  
  
"Well, I'm going to be on my way now. I need to get some rest. Anya wanted me to go over some things about the Magic Box expenses and I thought I should see how Willow was doing."  
  
"Well, I'll stop by Xander's too tomorrow. But Giles?"  
  
"Yes Buffy."  
  
"You look good with contacts, not that the glasses weren't good you know, made you look dignified. But still, makes you look younger. Kinda reminds me of Ripper." Buffy said with knowing grin.  
  
"Yeah Giles. Totally cool without the glasses." Dawn concurred.  
  
"Spike." Giles said with an understanding nod.  
  
"Rupert." Spike said returning the nod with a knowing nod.  
  
"Oh, wait! Uh, Buffy, would you mind if I spent the night as Lisa's and I already have permission from her mom and Giles can I get a ride?" Dawn exclaimed in one, run on sentence.  
  
"Uh, well, if it's okay with Giles, I mean about the ride part. But yeah, you can go." she said with a shrug.  
  
"Oh, bless you!" she said hurling herself into her sister's arms. "Thanks a bunch. I just had to get outta here, no offense."  
  
"No problem."  
  
"So, Giles? Ya mind?"  
  
"Sure, Dawn. But Buffy, a moment please?" Buffy followed him into the dining room.  
  
"How are you going to tell Xander about Spike being back. I'm certain he won't take it well." Giles said with a worried look.  
  
"I don't know, but I think he can deal, maybe over time. Might take a couple of, decades if I'm lucky."  
  
"Right. I'm sure it'll work out." Giles said while giving her a hug.  
  
******************  
  
Xander's place that night....  
  
"I brought you some juice, Will." Xander said as he handed a cup of cranberry juice to a dreary eyed Willow, sitting up on his bed.  
  
"Thanks, Xander." He gave her a nod and a smile and began to turn away.  
  
"Xander?"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Well, are you going out?"  
  
"Well, I don't have to. You want me to be all stay inny and talk?" He said while walking back towards her.  
  
"Yeah, I mean, I'm not really in a talking mood but maybe we can watch a movie? But honestly, I'd just like to sit with you and enjoy the quiet." she she said with somber eyes.  
  
"Of course, Willow. Nothing better than being with my best bud." He said as he sat down next to her.  
  
"You know, no words could ever express how ashamed I am of myself. Sometimes, it's just so hard Xander. I think about Tara, and then what I did to Warren... but what I did to him, it just doesn't seem to phase me." Xander replied by showing his love and support by placing his hand on top of hers and giving a gentle squeeze.  
  
"What scares me the most is how I tried to hurt you guys. I tried to destroy the only family I have." Tears trailed down her face and her voice became weepy. "I don't think I'll ever live that down. There's no way you guys could ever really forgive me. I don't really expect you to. I've been thinking that maybe, maybe it'd be best if I go away for a little while."  
  
"Willow, no, look, you belong here with us. We're your friends and we love you and we care about you. We are going to help you through this, okay? Whatever it takes." He said while looking at her with serious, brown eyes.  
  
"Xander, I honestly think it's best that I go." she said looking past him.  
  
"Not so much, Will. The last thing you need is to be alone. I'm not leaving. You're my Willow, and I'll always love you and support you, no matter what." He said, and gave his trademark Xander hug. 


	4. Chapter 4

Part IV  
  
Summers' living room after Giles and Dawn's departure...  
  
"So, you gonna tell me about the bruises now?"  
  
"Sorry, luv. Can't, not ready for sharing."  
  
"Well, in that case, you gonna tell me what you talked to Giles about?" she asked incredulously.  
  
"Just your average 'how are' deal. Look, maybe I should-"  
  
"Please don't finish that sentence if it involves you leaving." she said, looking steadily into his blue orbs.  
  
"Buffy, it just hurts so much to here, in this house. You were right, Buffy. I'm nothing but 'an evil, disgusting thing." He said breaking her gaze and looking at his feet. "All I do is hurt people."  
  
"No. That's not true and you know it." She said, grabbing his shoulders and then raising his chin so that he would look at her.  
  
"Spike, when I said those things, I didn't mean it. I was kidding myself. I -"  
  
"But Slayer, you were in denial for a reason. Buffy, you were ashamed of me, and I don't blame you. Not only am I vampire, but no soul, remember? You were punishing me because I wasn't Pe-, Angel and I wasn't Capn' Cardboard. And you were punishing yourself because I'm not them or like them, deep down, you loved me anyway. Or, so I hoped." He said with his spike grin, then tilted his head to the side and looked at her intently, locking her with his eyes.  
  
"When you told me that you could never love me, it was like losin' you all over again. To be that close to you and not have you.... Kinda reminds me of white bread."  
  
She about questioning on what he meant, but thought better of it. She walked to the couch and sat down, his back facing her as he remained standing in the foyer.  
  
"Spike, if what we have is only lust, I'd be able to banish it from my mind as well as my heart. But I can't because, we have a passion- or a 'dance' as you'd call it. It's not finished yet. Not until one of us dies anyway."  
  
He slowly turned around and sat on the coffee table across from her.  
  
"Life is to short. I'm not sure if I've got too many lives yet so listen to me." she said with wide eyes and grasping his room temperature hands.  
  
"You are the one for me. You were right. No other man could ever truly understand me the way you do. Hell, since we first met, you could see things about me that others couldn't. I want to be with you." he just stared at her unbelieving.  
  
"I'm an adult and am completely capable of making my own decisions. I want you, all of you. I hope that you still want me."  
  
"Always, luv." he said caressing her cheek.  
  
"Hey, can you promise me something?" she said lowering her head. "Just promise no more ultimatums and leaving. I've had enough of those." she said nervously.  
  
"Never, ever again. Promise." he said, then gently pulled her into a tender kiss. Buffy broke the kiss and beamed at him.  
  
"Come on." she said as she got up and led him up the stairs.  
  
Spike, please stop!  
  
"I- I can't." he said shakily, eyes misty.  
  
"What's wrong?" Buffy said, looking scarred at the uncertainty of what he meant.  
  
"I'm scared." he said with a strained voice. Then it dawned on her.  
  
"The bathroom." she said almost inaudibly. He turned his head away.  
  
"I was just taking you to my room. We've never been there like this and, well it means a lot to me." she gave a pleading look. It was true, they'd been everywhere else...  
  
"Right, then." he said while continuing to ascend the stairs. They entered the room and he tossed his coat aside.  
  
"Buffy, I want to tell you something." he said as he held her hips and locked eyes with her.  
  
"Shh." she said while pressing her index finger to his lips. She leaned up and gently kissed him. He pulled her closer and lifted her up. They continued their kiss as he carried her over to her bed. He sat down so that she'd be on top this time. He wanted her to lead the dance this time. He needed her to be in control because he felt utterly drained of power.  
  
He succumbed to her every demand, every wish, every touch. He wanted her to make him feel like everything was going to be all right, though he severely thought otherwise.  
  
She pulled off his black tee shirt and softly placed kisses on his lean, muscular chest. He pulled her blue sweater over her head and unbuttoned her pants. He slipped two of his fingers inside of her, and felt her wetness. She lightly closed her eyes at this, and closed them tighter as he moved his fingers in slow circular motions. He was good with his circles.  
  
After a couple of minutes, she removed his hand from her and proceeded to move from him so that she could slip her pants off. As she did this, he did the same, but in a slower, more sensuous manner. He shook his pants away from his ankles and stood there as she gazed at his incredible erection for what seemed like the thousandth time, yet it never ceased to amaze her.  
  
He stepped towards her and unclasped her black bra with ease and let the straps slide down her tanned soldiers. He then tenderly kissed her neck, collarbone, and shoulders. She brought her hands up hi s back and grasped his shoulders, pressing herself into him....  
  
As they made love for the second, third, and fourth time that night, he couldn't stopped the tears. He cried out of happiness for having her in his arms, for her to hold him back.. But he also cried from grief, but not the typical brooding from all of the havoc he'd caused from his 120 years, but from the pain he caused her. He felt as if the feeling would never go away. He didn't feel worthy of looking at her at that moment. He was too disgusted with himself.  
  
"Spike, why won't you look at me?" she said while cradling his face with her hands.  
  
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to." he said while taking a glance at her and turning away again.  
  
"Spike, what happened to you? Where'd you go?"  
  
"I, not now, please." he said while abruptly getting up from her bed. Buffy could feel herself tensing up from her frustration at her injured vampire lover and tried helplessly to hold back tears. She sat up and asked, " why are you shutting me out? Why won't you tell me?"  
  
"I will, it's just, I don't think now is the time, alright?"  
  
"Then when is it time? I mean, you've got an eternity. When is it time for me?"  
  
"If I tell you, it'll just make you more upset."  
  
"Please just tell me. I want to know. I need to know."  
  
"All right then, but brace yourself, Slayer." Buffy pulled the sheet up to her and watched as he paced the length of the room naked.  
  
"Okay, I left good ol' Sunny D to get the chip removed from my head. Thought maybe it'd be better for the both of us if I could stop loving you. Seemed to me it was a whole lot easier when we was fightin' and hatin' each other. But I was stupid to think that. Me and you couldn't even inflict real pain towards each other till we started to care." He gave one of his barely audible raspy laughs and stopped pacing. He looked over at her- his 'effulgent' angel. She just stared at him, waiting for him to continue.  
  
"So, I took a trip and found this demon and asked him to restore me. Make me the way I was..." he said as his voice lowered. "So I had to do these trials, which were really nothing but fights and challenges to death against these other demons. That's how I got the burns and bruises. And finally, he said that I'd passed. But he didn't remove the chip..." Buffy held her breath out of anticipation of what he was going to say next. He sighed heavily and continued.  
  
"Well, he made me the way I was, kept his promise in a manner of speaking. He, he restored my soul, Buffy." He lowered his head and ran his hand through his hair.  
  
She sat there for a moment, watching and thinking until it all sunk in.  
  
"Do you still have it?" she asked hesitantly.  
  
"Yea."  
  
"Well, I guess I wasn't your complete happiness then, huh."  
  
"What? Oh, no Buffy, of course you are, luv. It's just that I can't lose my soul. I'm not cursed. The soul is a 'gift'. There's no stipulation on me losin' it unless by magic or something."  
  
"So, let me get this straight; you left to get rid of the chip and instead got your soul- a soul you can't lose, and are all upset and mopey 'cause of your reasons for leaving in the first place right?" she asked as she maneuvered herself with the sheet off the bed, walking towards him.  
  
"Yea." He said while watching as she approached him.  
  
"And, you're afraid that this'll put a glitch in our relationship." she said, caressing his face with light fingers. He just slightly nodded.  
  
"Spike, as many problems that we've had, this would probably be at the bottom of the list." She said while moving her hand to stroke his hair. He hugged her and whispered in her ear, "Buffy, I'm just scared. I don't want to lose you." Hugging him tighter in the embrace, she whispered back, " Never again."  
  
*********************  
  
The next day at Xander's....  
  
"Willow, you ready to go?" Xander called from the bathroom as he got ready to go to Buffy's.  
  
"I'm ready as in dressed, but I don't think I'm ready to go face her and Dawnie. Maybe we can do this next week?"  
  
"Sorry, Will, it's been a long time already. You can do this. Buff's still your friend and she wants to help." He said while coming out of the bathroom while buttoning his shirt.  
  
"You believe in me that much, huh?" she said with a slight smile.  
  
"Always. Now, to the Xander- Mobile!"  
  
*******************  
  
later at Buffy's....  
  
"Spike, how can you watch this stuff?" she said as she was curled up next to him on the couch with only a tee- shirt and her panties on.  
  
"Hey, don't mock this. Passions is a very intriguing show." he said, only in his jeans.  
  
"Yeah, well, it seems silly to me. Hey, let's watch Jenny Jones. I can always get a laugh out that show."  
  
"Yeah, well-"  
  
"Hey Buff! Just came by to say- oh god." Xander said with his eyes narrowed.  
  
"Xander!"  
  
TBC 


	5. Chapter 5

Part V  
  
Xander stormed towards Spike and gave him a ferocious right hook.  
  
"You son of a Bitch!! How dare you come back here!" Xander began to approach the fallen vampire when Buffy intervened.  
  
"Xander, stop. I invited him here." she said pleadingly.  
  
"Buffy what the hell is wrong with you? What, you're all accepting to Mr. Attempted Rape now? Or did he cast some sort of spell on you? I hope so 'cause at least then I'd know if you've lost your sanity or not." Xander fumed. Spike just stood there and had no response. Willow just observed at what was transpiring between her two best friends.  
  
"Xander, he didn't put a spell on me, and what happened between us happened between us. I don't expect you to understand but-"  
  
"Understand? Oh I understand completely. You've totally lost it. You should of dusted him a long time ago. But oh no. That's right I forgot. Buffy's always had a soft spot for evil vamps, letting them get away with murder- literally speaking with Angel of course." That last statement pushed Buffy over the edge and she responded by smacking him.  
  
"Stop it." Willow whispered, and only Spike heard through his vampire hearing and glanced at her.  
  
"Enough. You don't know anything about that, and you certainly don't know or can even begin to comprehend this." she said in a low, menacing tone.  
  
"All I need to understand is that he's a soulless demon on a leash." he said while glaring at her.  
  
"Stop it! Both of you!" Willow yelled while rubbing her temples. "I can't take this anymore! The two of you are so stupid. All we have in our short, miserable lives are the precious moments. But the two of you are two stupid to see them and you miss them completely. All we have left is each other, and you guys are ruining it with your idiotic bickering." By this time, her voice was lowered. Her face was flushed as her tears caressed her face. The others just watched on with sad faces.  
  
"All I can say is you guys better wise up before one of us is in the ground; indefinitely. I wasted precious time, time I could've spent with Tara because- I was too stupid and weak to with the magics. If I'd listened to her, we could spent all of those missed months apart together. I'll never have that chance ever again...." She shook her head and wiped her face with a shaky hand. Xander was the first one to speak up.  
  
"Buff, I'm sorry. Now's not the best time to sort all of this out, so I think I'm just gonna go now."  
  
"Okay, and I'm sorry too..." she said while unconsciously hugging herself.  
  
"Red, for what it's worth, I'm sorry about Tara." Xander was going to say something but thought better of it. Willow nodded to Spike in acknowledgment and went out the door without saying another word. Xander glanced at Buffy before leaving and closing the door behind them.  
  
*****************  
  
In Xander's car...  
  
" Xander, can I go back to your place. I'm physically and emotionally drained right now, and I just want to sleep." she said while looking out of the window.  
  
"Yeah, sure. Do you mind if I go out for awhile?" he asked while still looking at the road.  
  
"Xander, you're a grown man. Do whatever ya want." she said rather indifferently.  
  
"Um, yeah..."  
  
*****************  
  
A little while later, Xander arrives at the Magic Box...  
  
Anya whipped her head around from the cash register as she heard the familiar tinkling of the bell expecting a customer when-  
  
"Anya. Are ya busy now?" he asked, while still standing at the store's entrance.  
  
"Xander, no, come on in." she said as she walked from around the counter, motioning for him to take a seat.  
  
"Well, the place looks great."  
  
"Oh, yeah, Hallie got a few demons over to help me real cheap." she said with a thoughtful expression.  
  
"Um, Ahn, I wanted to talk to you about some serious stuff, today." he explained while fiddling with his fingers. "I've been thinking a lot these last few weeks, and I think that I never really explained why I couldn't go through with the wedding."  
  
"Xander, really, you don't have to-"  
  
"No, I do. I owe you that much. I told you then that I didn't want to hurt you, 'not like that.' What I meant was, I was afraid I'd turn into my father. My father made my life as well as my mother's a living hell. It was like he'd drained away all of the happiness and the life from her. His drinking problem eventually led to my mother to have one too." he said while looking at nothing in particular, but just looking. Anya gave him a sad look of sympathy and gently grabbed one of his hands.  
  
"What that demon showed me- it was like every fear I ever had about us, about me, came true... You hated me, our lives... he not only showed me, but it was like I could feel everything; the hatred and the anger- and when he brought me back to reality, I just kept thinking that I couldn't do that to you. What he showed me may have been fake, but it was that possibility, no, probability that I feared of it actually coming true. Stuff like that's unavoidable. It sneaks up on you. Same thing happened with my parents. But I'm sorry."  
  
At that moment Anya was shockingly at a lost for words. She just looked at him for awhile.  
  
"Xander, I'm sorry too, about you know, with-"  
  
"I know." he said as he looked at her.  
  
"It's just, I was hurt, and he was hurt, but it was mistake. I knew it right from the start. But, I just wanted to lose myself. Thought maybe that it'd help the pain go away. I wasn't thinking clearly when it happened. We were both kind a wasted." she said while letting go of his hand and looking away for a moment.  
  
"Um, Anya, do you think that maybe we could put this behind us, start over? Maybe out for a drink or something? Something small?"  
  
Anya gave him a small smile. "Okay Xander Harris. You're on." 


	6. Chapter 6

Part VI  
  
Buffy's Place- following week  
  
"Hey Buff. Can I come in? Ya know as long as there's no half naked people around." Xander said with a nervous smile.  
  
"Of course. And there's no one here but me, and I'm decent, well dressed anyway." she said with a grin.  
  
"So."  
  
"So."  
  
"Um, Giles and I were talking and we thought it best if Willow went to that coven for awhile. She's been improving, but I think professional help is the way to go." he said as he sat down on the couch. Buffy following, sitting on the coffee table.  
  
"Really? How she taking it?"  
  
"Well, she's been indifferent to nearly everything, but Giles thinks it's best so... Besides, staying at my place ain't exactly therapeutic."  
  
"Uh, Xander, about things with Spike. Well we sorta worked things out, which I'm sure you noticed."  
  
"Listen Buff, you don't have to explain things to me. It's just, it caught me off guard, ya know? And, we all make mistakes. I guess everyone's allowed forgiveness, once in awhile."  
  
"Wow. I'm impressed. That must have been hard for you to say." she said half jokingly.  
  
"Yeah, well, me and Anya had a long discussion, well, several. I came to realize certain things. Actually did a little growing up. So, how are things between you and Deadboy Jr.?"  
  
"Way better. And things lookin' up between you and Anya?"  
  
"Yeah. Ya know, just takin' small steps at a time; startin' fresh.... But like Will said, time's short. We all have to realize our own mortality- or immortality for others."  
  
Cut to Willy's Bar, Later that night....  
  
"So, the traitor has been back for awhile now. I think it's best we make our move tonight- just in case he decides to hightail it outta here again."  
  
"But what about the Slayer? She'll protect him."  
  
"Don't worry. I've got a present for her."  
  
******************  
  
Near Spike's Crypt  
  
"Buffy, I thought I was meeting you at your place, luv." Spike said as he swaggered towards her, lighting up a cigarette.  
  
"I know. It's just, Dawn had a couple of friends over and they were driving me insane. And I was all like 'been there, done that.' So I called Giles, he came over, and before he could protest, I bailed."  
  
"So, Niblet and her mates gave you a major headache, huh?" he said while smirking at her.  
  
"Yeah, which you can personally attend to - later. Now is officially Patrol Time." she replied while walking away.  
  
"You're right, Summers. work first, and hours of pleasure later." he said while dropping his voice seductively on the last part of the sentence.  
  
"Well, that's one promise you won't be keeping, traitor." said a particularly large vamp.  
  
"Ooh, goody. A little spot violence always gets me revved up for a good shag." he said nonchalantly, more to Buffy than to the vamp, who was soon followed by five other vamps.  
  
"Spike- look, guys, if you don't wanna die, well tonight anyways, I suggest you leave (though I seriously doubt it)." she said in a defensive stance as Spike flicked away his cigarette.  
  
"I don't know if you noticed Slayer, but you and the traitor are greatly outnumbered." he said gruffly and sneering at the both of them.  
  
"Well, it wouldn't be the first time. Now can we stop the banter and start with the fighting? I'm really looking forward to kicking your ass."  
  
"Sure just one thing- a present from me to you." he said with a devilish smile, knowing that his gift was aimed and ready at the Slayer.  
  
"And what's that, you incredibly, stupid git." Spike retorted, getting quite annoyed at all of the pointless banter. It only worked if both parties were interesting, and those blokes surely weren't.  
  
"Well, your gift is..."  
  
Buffy felt something puncture her neck, and her entire body went limp. She collapsed to the ground. Spike dropped beside her and pulled the dart out of her neck. While he was distracted, four of the vamps picked him up and held him upright. The other two went to the incapacitated, yet fully conscious slayer.  
  
"You bloody bastards! If you hurt her I'll-"  
  
"You are in no position to threaten anyone. Besides, we didn't come for her. The only thing the drug did was immobilize her. But she'll be ' up and kicking' in an hour or two. You on the other hand..." he took an overly dramatic pause to crack his knuckles. "will be reduced to a pile of ash. See, I wanted the slayer fully aware of what was going to happen to you. Her pain is a lot more rewarding than actually killing her. Besides, killing demons is her job, not yours. You have a blatant disregard of the number one demon rule- to not kill other demons. So, you must be disposed of immediately; well, not exactly immediately. Gonna bet you to a bloodly pulp, first. Oh, and if you try to escape, my guys over there will take a sampling of that wondrous slayer blood."  
  
Spike knew he was in a bind. No one was gonna come for them. It was truly the end.  
  
"Right, then. But uh, you mind fulfilling any last requests I might have mate?"  
  
"Depends."  
  
"Well, could ya just torture me and not dust me?" he just glared at Spike.  
  
"Didn't think so. Could you give my chain and coat to the Slayer? I'd rather not have them be dust, at least." he gave Spike a nod and two of his minions started to remove said items and tossed them on the ground. Then the larger one and two of the four that was holding Spike beat on him relentlessly. Buffy was forced to watch in horror. Her body couldn't obey her brains commands to fight back. She couldn't even move her lips to voice her protest. The situation was hopeless. A deluge of tears silently made its way from her eyes down her cheeks.  
  
Spike didn't mind the beating. Hell he went one on one with a Hell god. But it was Buffy's pain that hurt him the most. But after awhile, he couldn't see ot of either eye. The end was coming. Buffy thought she might throw up at watching the horrific scene before her. First, it was just your typical beating. Then they brought out a special black bag filled with goodies of holy water and sharp knives. But Spike refused to give them the pleasure of screaming. All that came from him was the occasional grunt or moan of pain. Then it stopped.  
  
"I must say that was fun. But, see you in hell, Spike. Hope ya like it."  
  
With his last strength, he said, "Fuck you, pillock." and then he was dust.  
  
TBC 


	7. Chapter 7

Part VII  
  
"The first guy that ever teally liked me was some robot demon. I thought I was really falling-  
  
"Hey. Come on now. the first guy I had the hots for since I moved here was a vamp."  
  
"Yeah, and let'snot forget my crush on the Praying Mantis biology teacher. Typical love life on the Hell Mouth."  
  
"Yeah, let's face it; our love lives are doomed."  
  
- Willow, Buffy, and Xander  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __  
  
Back Down Memory Lane  
  
"Saturday, I kill you."  
  
"Women!"  
  
"Hey! Truce here. Truth is I like this world."  
  
"And I'm all you've got."  
  
"Love isn't brains, children. It's blood; blood screamin' inside you to work its will."  
  
"So, what did it take to part the slayer's dimpled knees?"  
  
"Slayer."  
  
"I love you."  
  
"I still have Buffy taste in my mouth."  
  
"I'm a friend of Xander's."  
  
"Hey, I'm bad... Oh and if you're trying to kill her- (thumbs up.)"  
  
"Yeah, back off, Betty."  
  
"Death is on your heels, baby. Sooner or later, it's going to catch you."  
  
"You know you wanna dance."  
  
"You'll find her. It's what you hero types do."  
  
"I, love you. It's wrong, I know it."  
  
"What the bleeding hell is wrong with you bloddy women?! What the hell does it take?!"  
  
"Just couldn't bear to see her in that much pain. Let Glory kill me first."  
  
"Right person, person I loved, I'd do it."  
  
"You treated me like a man..."  
  
"147 days yesterday, 148 today."  
  
"Every night I saved you."  
  
"You belong in the dark, with me."  
  
"You can make me feel."  
  
"Don't worry slayer, I got your back."  
  
"I know what kind of girl you really are."  
  
"You came back wrong."  
  
"I love you. You know it."  
  
"You're better than this."  
  
"That's my girl."  
  
"Do you even like me?"  
  
"Do you trust me?"  
  
"I want you. I always want you."  
  
"I love you."  
  
"Let yourself live already."  
  
"You know you feel the way I do."  
  
"I love you."  
  
"I love you..."  
  
Thoughts of her lover clouded her mind as the Slayer slowly began to regain her equilibrium. His chisled cheek bones, his intense azure eyes, his platinum locks... All dissipated in a pile of ash, mingling with the earth.  
  
A horrible sinse of dread suddenly overcame her. She was finally able to move close enough to his leather duster and chain. As she clutched at it, she began to sob. She wasn't aware of how long she sat there, but all she knew was that her sorrow was replaced with extreme anger and hatred. Picking up the coat and putting on the chain, she walked back home- all the while formulating her slow and tortuous revenge against the vamps.  
  
Somewhere in Argentina...  
  
"Dru, what is wrong?" the sorceress asked her close vampire friend.  
  
"It is my William; my little Spike. He now dances in the wind." Dru said with a faraway look in her eyes. she began to tremble.  
  
"Fairuza, I want him back. I want the birds to sing and the stars to shine again. He belongs with me."  
  
"But I thought it was over between you two? You said he was lost to you." the tall, svelte, brown skinned enchantress replied.  
  
"Only temporary. We were going to have an eternity together. We could of still worked things out. Once that slayer was gone from his mind... I knew we'd be back together. I want that chance again. Miss Edith wants her daddy back. Would you do it, for me?" Dru pouted.  
  
"Well, I'm gonna need some things..."  
  
"And you shall have it, my sweet."  
  
"Do you know where he perished?"  
  
Dru tilted her head for a moment in thought, then became enraged.  
  
"It's her fault! The slayer has truly killed him! I told him to leave that terrible place...Oooh."  
  
Becoming bored with her insane friend's babbling, Fairuza interupted.  
  
"Where, Dru?" she asked in a kind tone.  
  
"Where it all started; Sunnydale..."  
  
********************  
  
"Buffy, well, it's about time you came back. Where have you been? These girls have been driving me up-" Giles stopped his tirade as Buffy completely ignored him. He watched as she gently placed Spike's coat on the banister and proceeded to her weapons chest, grabbed an axe and weighed it in her hand. The look in her eyes was completely deadly.  
  
"Buffy, what happened tonight?" Giles asked with sincere concern and worry. Buffy stopped examining the axe, furrowed her brow as if in serious contemplation to the question. She turned and looked at him with misty eyes.  
  
"They killed him. They beat him and killed him and I-" she stopped. The words were too hard to say. She covered her mouth with her free hand as uncontrollable sobs wrecked through her body. Giles walked over to her from the doorway and held her as she continued weeping. His fatherly instincts for his surrogate daughter took off on auto pilot. He knew exactly how she felt. he remembered Jenny; what it had been like to see her lifeless body ... he realized Buffy had no body to bury; no final goodbyes.  
  
"They drugged me, Giles. I couldn't move. I-I couldn't stop them." As if answering his unasked question, she continued, " They threatened to kill me if he tried to escape. I couldn't help him-" Her voice broke. Once she regained her composure, she released from his embrace and stood erect.  
  
"They have to pay. They're going to pay." Giles gave her a woried look.  
  
"It's okay. I'm not a witch, and they were all vampires."  
  
"But Buffy, you can't go alone. You might get yourself hurt, or worse. Remember when I went after Angelus? Anger can only get you so far, and then it'll get you killed. Xander and I should accompany you. Plus, you don't know who or-or where they-"  
  
"Got that covered. Anya can help executing my vengence by helping me find them." Giles gave a defeated sigh.  
  
"Well, fine. But we're coming with you."  
  
"Fine. Tomorrow we'll go.. But I need to be alone tonight. Will you stay?"  
  
"You needn't ask. Of ocurse I will. I'll call Xander tomorrow." she nodded in reply and trudged up the stairs.  
  
******************  
  
She couldn't sleep. She wasn't even sure why she even bothered. Whether her eyes or closed or not, she'd see him in her minds eye, disentergrating. In spite of their many bad times, they were just as many good; more so recently. She hadn't been that happy in a long while.  
  
She didn't understand why the Powers that Be were so cruel. She'd done her job; served it well after time. Given her life twice. Yet it seemed as if she were being punished for something. First Angel, her mom, now this. Not only was he taken away from her, she was forced to watch it all. She suspected that this time, the pain would never go away.  
  
Next morning- Magic Box  
  
"Buffy, I've been expecting you. I'm sorry. I didn't want him to die." she said solemy, coming from around the counter and embracing her.  
  
"So, you seeking vengeance?" her demon senses picking up on her pain and hatred.  
  
"Yes. I want to know who and where- now. And I want it to be slow and painful."  
  
"Buffy I can't. At least, not without the magic word."  
  
"Fine. I wish to find the vamps that killed Spike and kill them." she said with malice. Anya's face changed to its demon form.  
  
"Done." 


	8. Chapter 8

Part VIII  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __  
  
"That's the thing about magic; there's always consequence. Always!  
  
~Spike~  
  
___________________________________________________________________________ __  
  
Fairuza attempted to do a similar spell that the Wolfram and Hart people used to resurrect Darla, but the circumstances were different. Spike died with a soul, and pulling his essence back was more difficult. The demon and the soul were eternally attached. Fairuza expected some difficulty, but never this....  
  
"I don't understand. What's wrong with my poor boy? I can still see him in there, but he's hiding behind William. Why won't Spike come out and play with mummy?" Dru groussed.  
  
"My only guess is that the soul effected the out come of the spell. He should have come back pure human, but the demon is there as well. How peculiar." Fairuza replied nonchalantly.  
  
"So, you're saying I can't turn him? But he's still alive! It shouldn't be this way. Ooh." she whined.  
  
"Well, at least you have him back. He has most of his vampiric strength, so you two could still have fun..." she replied as she examined her nails.  
  
"Suppose you're right, time to play wtih the new dollie."  
  
"Yeah, you do that." Fairuza was thinking on leaving Sunnyhell real soon. She was better than this. Dru was okay, somethimes. But she was small potatoes. She needed friends with real power.  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __  
  
Something takes a part of me.  
  
Something lost and never seen.  
  
Everytime I start to believe,  
  
Something's raped and taken from me... from me.  
  
Life's got to always be messing with me. (You wanna feel alive)  
  
Can't they chill and let me be free? (So do I)  
  
Can't I take away all this pain. (You wanna feel alive)  
  
I try to every night, all in vain... in vain.  
  
Sometimes I cannot take this place.  
  
Sometimes it's my life I can't taste.  
  
Sometimes I cannot feel my face.  
  
You'll never see me fall from grace  
  
Something takes a part of me.  
  
You and I were meant to be.  
  
A cheap fuck for me to lay  
  
Something takes a part of me.  
  
Feeling like a freak on a leash. (You wanna feel alive)  
  
Feeling like I have no release. (So do I)  
  
How many times have I felt diseased? (You wanna feel alive)  
  
Nothing in my life is free... is free  
  
~Korn~  
  
Other Side of Sunnyhell...  
  
No, friends, no weapons... She was alone. Walking in the bark in the harsh light of day for what seemed like hours. Then she felt a prescence. A familiar one yet somehow different...  
  
"Well, it's bloody hot, innit?" she spun around and saw Spike squinting at her in the sunlight.  
  
"Guess it takes a bit for the old irises to adjust, huh love? Especially after being in the dark for over twelve decades. Well, 'cept for that one time..."  
  
"Spike? How, how is this possible? Are you really here?" she said as she lightly touched his face with tears in her eyes.  
  
" I'll always be here with you, pet. You think something as inconsequential as death was gonna stop me? Didn't the first time." He said with his trademark smirk.  
  
"Oh Buffy, my effulgent Slayer." he said with mirth while gently cupping her face. He leaned forward and kissed her forhead.  
  
"I will always be with you; you just gotta trust that instinct of yours. You gotta feel it before you see it." She regarded him with great confusion.  
  
"What do you ----"  
  
"Feel it, know it, see me."  
  
"Huh?" he then placed his hand on her chest.  
  
"Feel me. See me." he gave her a wink and began to walk away.  
  
"Spike, wait. Come Back! Spike!"  
  
"Buffy, Buffy what's wrong? Buffy!?" Dawn said as she shook her sister awake.  
  
"What's- Dawn. I... what's going on?" her voice wavered and her eyes stung of tears.  
  
"You were dreaming. Are you okay?" she asked as she tentavily sat on the edge of the bed.  
  
"I'm fine. Just uh, a little stressed out." she said with a nervous lagh.  
  
"Buffy, what happened? I"m worried about you. It might make ya feel better if you talked about it." she said in hopeful voice. Buffy gave her an exasperated sigh.  
  
"I'm fine, really. Fine as fine can be."  
  
"What? Frustrated, insecure, neurotic and emotional?" she gave Buffy a small smile which she returned.  
  
"Very intuitive. Uh, I had another dream about Spike. But it was different... He told me to feel him and to see him."  
  
"Eww! Was this some kinda sex dream that I should not be hearing?"  
  
"No. He was standing in the sunlight. Ya know, when he said it."  
  
"Oh, but I still don't get it."  
  
"Me neither." But she could only hope as to what she thought it meant was true.  
  
************************  
  
"Oh daddy. Why don't follow instruction? I shall have to be cross with you. Does my William need a caning?" Drusilla questioned a shackled Spike.  
  
"Dru, luv. Let me go, please. I can't take much more of this."  
  
"No, no, no! You still haven't learned the lesson. You're still all covered in her. YOu're still-"  
  
"And it's not going to change, pet. I'm sorry. Why don't you go find Peaches? He's your real daddy anyway. If you won't let me go, then please just kill me now." his already weary voice grew quieter at that last statement. She walked closer to him his touched his cheek. As much as he wanted to turn away, he couldn't from fatigue, and the fact that he knew what would happen if he did.  
  
"But there's still hope, my sweet. You can still be my dark prince. If only I could give birth to you again. But the queen says it's not possible. The darkness is already inside of you, but it's become brightened by the flame. Don't you see it's burning you?" she touched his exposed chest then quickly yanked it back.  
  
"Dru, I'm not exactly sure what I am now, but I'm guessing that with the newfound heartbeat that I'm partly human. So if you want me to live, you know, so I can learn the lesson, you'll have to get me food. Real food."  
  
The rush of warm blood, the pounding in his chest, the goosebumps on his arms in response to the cool environment. All of his pain and feelings seemed to have enhanced tenfold since he had been resurected as a human. But he still felt the prescence of his demon. Spike was still there. He had no track of time ever since he'd ben brought back, but he surmised about a week- which felt like months after the torture Dru put him through. well, at least she hadn't resorted to the hot pokers. She used to love to heat them up over the hearth and -  
  
"All right, sweet William. I shall bring you cakes and tea to eat. It shall be a party!" she gleefully clapped her hands and danced with an imaginary partner away. Soon after, Spike passed out.  
  
She left just in time just to see Fairuza walking out of the mansion doors.  
  
"Fairy, where are you going?" Drusilla asked with a tilt of her head.  
  
"Oh, I decided to go for a stroll. See what's really going on in this quaint little town." she said with a half smirk.  
  
"Do be careful darling. The Slayer is lurking about and I don't want her breaking up our happy home."  
  
"Don't worry sweets. It'll cause wrinkles." Dru arched an eyebrow as her companion left.  
  
Fairuza definitely didn't plan on staying in Sunnydale for another day. Another hour if she could help it. But she somehow felt obligated to Dru. That and the fact that she really considered her a friend- her only friend. She needed Dru as much as Dru needed her. But put "her William" into the equaiton and the whole thing was pretty much shot to shit. So, not being one to take things lying down, she came up with a plan and headed to the cemetary with evilness shining in her eyes.  
  
********************  
  
"Thanks Buff for taking me out. It's been awhile since I've done the whole patrolling thing. Feels good with the fresh air and imminent death lurking around every corner. Or, ya know tombstone." Willow said as she walked alongside her best friend.  
  
"Yea. Thought you could use a breather. And besides, we haven't had much of girl time so I figured hey?"  
  
"So, how ya doin? I mean really?"  
  
"Well, actually the dreams are more of a comfort now. Even though he's not here, I still get to see him every night. Even if it is only in my mind."  
  
"Well, as long as it doesn't drive ya crazy like last time. Cause trying to kill ya friends- so not of the good. But hey, I should know." Buffy gave her a sad smile.  
  
"Well, at least we can look back on it and laugh, right?" Buffy asked.  
  
"Right. You, I was just thinking that maybe we should..." Willow stopped and was intently concentrating on something in front of her.  
  
"Will, what is it? Will?" Buffy walked directly in front of her and took a step back as Willow's eyes became black.  
  
"Buffy, someone's here. It's way powerful, and, and I- So, I finally get to meet the infamous Slayer." Willow said in a not so Willow tone of voice.  
  
"Who are you and why are you possessing my friend?"  
  
"Well I'm not stupid. This is the perfect way to avoid a confrontation and to deliver a message." Willow said with a very toothy smile.  
  
"You see, it's not that I'm afraid of you, it's just that if I said what I had to say about you to your face, you'd get upset and lash out at me, and I'd kill you where you stand. But I don't want you dead. I want you on a mission, of sorts. You do something for me, I'll do something for you."  
  
"Sorry, but I could care less about what you want."  
  
"Oh Slayer. Better watch yourself there. Cause if you don't play nice, then I won't tell you where your little boy toy is."  
  
"What? What are you talking about?"  
  
"Oh come now. You must know. Well- Aaahh!" Willow screamed as she clutched her head.  
  
"Get out, get out, get out!" she screamed as she dropped to her knees.  
  
"Willow, is that you? Are you okay?" she asked as she kneeled down in front of the wicca. Her eyes were back to their normal color.  
  
"I'm- she, she was powerful, and evil, and she was all inside my head... all so evil. But Buffy, I saw something, well lots of things, but it's all kinda obscurred now."  
  
"What did you see Will?"  
  
"I saw blood, and chains, and I think Drusilla and... I think I saw Spike."  
  
"What?" Buffy whispered.  
  
"Well, it looked like him. Except he was really skinny, and naked, and bruised and, not so much with the bleached hair. He looked lost and tired. I'm pretty sure it was him."  
  
"Do you know where he was."  
  
"No, it looked pretty dark. Not any place I'm familiar with."  
  
"Willow, maybe this is a dumb thing to ask considering... but do you think that maybe you could do a locator spell?"  
  
"I'm sorry Buffy, but I can't. I don't know how I- it isn't safe for me to do magic. At least not now." with a crestfallen face, the Slayer helped the red head up.  
  
"Okay, I'm gonna take you back to my place. Tell Giles everything you know and round up the gang. Gonna need a lot of research."  
  
"What will you do?"  
  
"I don't know. Gonna try to find him. They've gotta be close..."  
  
*****************  
  
Later at the Summer's Residence...  
  
"...so when she was inside of my head, I could see flashes of what was in her head too." Willow continued explaining.  
  
"But you couldn't figure out who she was?" Anya questioned.  
  
"No,'cept that I've never known her, and she's powerful and kinda ancient. She gave off this whole aura of an old power of sorts."  
  
"And you're sure Drusilla's in the mix?" Xander asked.  
  
"Yeah. If it wasn't her, then it was someone an awful lot like her. I only saw a side view, but it was the crazed cackle that tipped me off."  
  
"But I don't understand how it's possible that Spike could be back. Drusilla was psychotic and hypnotic, but never powerful as far as magic." Giles said more to himself than the others.  
  
"Well, obviously that's where that powerful gal who possesed Willow comes in. Take me for instance and some of my demon friends. I mean, I'm more powerful than most of them and happy to oblige to help them in certain situations if need be." Anya said enthusiastically.  
  
"That's all good and well Ahn, but how does one resurrect a dusted vamp?" Xander countered.  
  
"Well Angel died and came back, right?" Dawn questioned.  
  
"Not exactly, Dawn. Buffy never staked Angel. She just stabbed him, thus sending him to a hell dimension." Giles answered. Dawn made a face of realization in reply.  
  
"It just doesn't seem possible." Giles said in exasperation and squeezing the bridge of his nose.  
  
"Oh yeah cause, people don't die and come back like three times over, or being possesed, or bug people, or werewolves, or getting stuck in some kid's nightmare or-"  
  
"Yes Xander, I get the point. This is a hell mouth after all." Giles conceded.  
  
*********************  
  
Buffy didn't know where she was headed. One could say it appeared as if she was just wandering around. But all the while, a little mantra in her head profusely repeated itself Feel me, feel me... She knew that that dream she had was no coincidence. Spike was somewhere in the down and she would find... that's when she felt it. The slight tightening in her gut that spanned to her chest. She started running towards the presence that was pulling her. Her mantra now changed to one word: Spike.  
  
As she approached the old mansion, the feeling became stronger, yet felt weaker at the same time.  
  
"Oh god, he's dying." with Slayer strength she kicked down the bolted door and her. Her back was turned, but for some reason, Buffy stopped.  
  
"I knew you were coming. The pixies in my head announced your arrival. I suppose it's just as well. He'll never learn. I suppose it was wishful thinking on my part. But he's back now. And he's yours." she slowly turned around. I know my Fairy Queen had something to do with you finding out, but it is a tad boring here."  
  
"What makes you think you'll be leaving here at all?" Buffy asked in a deadly tone.  
  
"Because you and I both know that William is slipping away. He doesn't have much time, and fighting me will slow you down. Take care, Slayer. Take care of our dear William." she walked out of the door without so much as a backwards glance at Buffy. But Buffy paid no heed as she followed her senses to the basement. And there he was, her champion- hanging lifelessly from the shackles that bound his wrists. She covered her mouth with her hand and stifled a sob and an "Oh God!"  
  
"Spike, Spike please. Hold on. I'll get you out of here soon. Spike?"  
  
There was just so much blood. Long gashes on his torso, and something that looked like burns on his arms and thighs. He was so thin and weak. She was terrified of losing him again. She was on the verge of hysterics. She decided on having a nervous breakdown- later.  
  
******************  
  
"Oh Dru. Stop your sulking. It was for the best anyway. He didn't love you. Besides, we'll always have each other." Fairuza said in a placating tone.  
  
"But I could have played with him for a little longer. But you ruined it."  
  
"If you 'played' with him any longer, he would have been dead a lot quicker."  
  
"Oh, but you don't know my William. He's a fighter. He always comes out on top."  
  
******************  
  
"Aahh!" Buffy screamed as she came, writhing against underneath her much alive lover.  
  
"So, how many is that love? I lost count." he mumbled as he lay his head against her neck.  
  
"Lucky thirteen. Got sixteen more to go to make up for the days you were away." she replied breathlessly.  
  
"How 'bout I pay you back in interest?"  
  
"In full?"  
  
"Always."  
  
"Spike?"  
  
"Pet?"  
  
"You ever think about having a family?"  
  
"Already have one. And believe when I say I am so not looking forward a reunion of any kind with those wankers." he said in reference to his sire and grandsire.  
  
"No, I mean, with me?" she asked uneasily. He lifted his head up and looked at her in the eyes.  
  
"Honestly, I never thought about it before cause hey, wasn't possible. But now, I'd be honored." he said and gave her a loving kiss.  
  
"So, uh, when do you wanna start? Or is now too soon or-"  
  
"Spike, I think we've already begun the process."  
  
"Oh yeah, Summers. I'll knock you up good and proper." he said with a smirk.  
  
"God, you're such a pig!" she said in good humor.  
  
"Yea, you know you love it."  
  
"I love you."  
  
"And I love you."  
  
"Always."  
  
"Always."  
  
Coursing through my senses, he's prevailing Floating through the space of my design Drowning me to find my inside sailing Drinking in the mainstream of his mind Filling up the cup of my emotions Spilling over into all I do If I only I could get lost in his ocean Surviving on the thought of loving you  
  
He's just like the water I ain't felt this way in years He's just like the water, the water I ain't felt this way in years  
  
Bathing in the fountain of his essence He causes my _expression to remain Humbled on a mountain by his presence Washing my intentions with his name Sealing off the floodgates of his passions Saving all his liquid for his own Moisturizing me to satisfaction In my imagination? No no! He's pouring out his soul to me for hours and hours Drawing out my nature with his hands Yearning I'm so thirsty for his power Burning to be worthy of his land  
  
Lauryn Hill  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __  
  
Finis  
  
That's a wrap folks! Feedback is much appreciated. 


	9. Author's Note!

Hi all! Just wanted to say that I had no clue that I had the restriction on the comments page. Anyway, it's off now, and if you actually liked my story, no, had any type of sentiment about it, whether it be good or bad, please leave a comment and let me know. It'll help me be better with my writing next time.  
  
Thanks! Jill ( 


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